January 11, 2011

Making and Baking, Part 4

Making and Baking is a four-part series that I wrote last year when Jonathan and I first began considering adding to our family. Because I'm a sucker for surprises, like breaking pregnancy news at Christmas, I decided not to publish this series until now. For your reading enjoyment, a look into the lives of prospective parents as we juggle the beginning of toddlerhood and babymaking. To read part 1, part 2, or part 3, click here, here, or here.

The journey wasn't over. Quite to the contrary, it was only beginning. After the negative test, I came face to face with the ugliness of my impatience. My neediness. My inability to trust and to let go. And that was where I found myself, impatient for my desires and for the baby I so longed to hold in my arms.

That was also the point where I found grace.

I discovered grace enough to let go and surrender my own desires. I found grace that eased my neediness and impatience. A grace that was more than enough.

It was that grace that led me on this journey of trusting. I trusted after that negative test, knowing that there was a plan. If not this month, then perhaps next. If not next month, then someday. And as I journeyed day by day, I relished the moments I had with the child that I already hold in my arms every day, knowing that someday our lives would change and that I would never again have those precious moments alone with him.

And then it happened. I looked at my calendar and realized what was missing. That one day, once each month, had come and gone, yet there was no tell-tale sign telling me that I wasn't pregnant.

The next day I pulled another test from my closet, wondering and hoping, just maybe I was pregnant. I squatted over that stick and watched the results window.

That's when I saw it. 30 seconds into the results, two bright lines appeared. Two. I was pregnant!

As cliched as it sounds, I dropped to my knees right then and there in the bathroom and said a prayer of thanks. I was grateful for an answered prayer, knowing that my husband and I would share the joy of another child together. And although I was ecstatic with the news that we were a new family of four, I was thankful for this journey. A journey that is far from over, but one that continues to teach me what it means to trust.

2 comments:

  1. I love reading your posts and I don't think it clichéd at all that you dropped to your knees in prayer. I did with Ella and I did with the little one fighting inside of me. God is good.

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