January 9, 2011

Making and Baking, Part 3

Making and Baking is a four-part series that I wrote last year when Jonathan and I first began considering adding to our family. Because I'm a sucker for surprises, like breaking pregnancy news at Christmas, I decided not to publish this series until now. For your reading enjoyment, a look into the lives of prospective parents as we juggle the beginning of toddlerhood and babymaking. To read part 1 or part 2, click here or here.

You don't have to test today.
The lie kept running through my head, but I knew the truth. I couldn't wait one day longer to find out if I was pregnant. The test I had purchased claimed to give early results and I was finally within that reliable timeframe.

I had done everything humanly possible to give us an edge in our quest to have another child. I was taking ovulation tests. I cut my caffeine intake drastically. I started exercising again. I was even flossing. But sometimes even when you do everything right, it all goes wrong.

Practically shaking with nerves, I squatted over that little stick first thing in the morning and switched on my timer to wait through the longest three minutes of my life.

When the time was finally up, I grabbed the test somehow hoping and praying that I would see two bright little lines. And then my heart sunk down to my toes when I saw a single line.

This is the blog entry that I didn't want to write. We tried our best but didn't get pregnant and it's heartbreaking. I spent two weeks thinking that I was carrying a child, dreaming about names, and imagining that little baby in my arms. It was all for naught.

Yet in the midst of the disapointment, there is hope. This journey is long from over, but it's taken an unexpected turn. We know that there is a reason behind the events of this month and even in the midst of the disappointment, we choose to continue to trust because we want the very best for our family. There is a greater plan in this, one we cannot see, but one we will continue to hope and pray for until it comes to pass.

3 comments:

  1. I love this post. This is exactly what I felt a couple of times while TTC. Thank you for putting it into words!

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  2. This is how I've felt, every month for the last 6 months! Longest 6 months of my life! I just keep praying!

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  3. I know this all too well. I had 18 of these. Yes, I counted every single one. But in the end, I have a wonderful little boy who is running and saying mama and insisting on feeding himself. If I didn't know you are already pregnant, I would have cried at reading this. Because I know all too well what this feels like for millions of women, including some of my very greatest friends.

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