November 4, 2010

To Trap a Talking Cat

The last few weeks, thanks to our resident early-morning riser and a parent who used to enjoy sleeping late into the morning, Nathaniel and I have discovered the joys of PBS for kids. All day long, you can flip on the electronic babysitter without facing objectionable content, like commercials for erectile disfunction or those late-night movies that involve a grotesque amount of fake blood.

Dude, I'm hopped up on DayQuil. Don't blame me, blame the drugs. I digress.

One of the shows that you can catch (repeatedly) throughout the day is The Cat in the Hat. Incidentally, I would totally trap that cat. Not because I have an intense dislike for cats. Nor am I particularly opposed to those of the feline variety wearing some sort of frilly head-frock. The fact of the matter is that I would trap that cat in a car, near or far, here or there or anywhere.

Blame the Quil. Or my inner Dr. Seuss.

What kind of mother lets her child run off with a talking cat to the desert of Hubaladoo? I mean, have we even heard of that desert, let alone a talking cat? And if they've successfully taught cats to speak and smuggle children away from their clearly negligent parents, what's next? Bringing dinosaurs back to life? Burning a hole in our ozone? TELLING KIDS THAT SANTA ISN'T REAL?!

Back to trapping the cat.

You see, last year, there was a cat trapping incident in my family where a cat wandered into someone's yard and happened to get stuck in a trap. There is stayed, meowing loudly until some bystander decided to go free said trapped cat. MINUS TEN POINTS FOR STUPIDITY.

Of course, the bystander managed to get himself injured by the somewhat unnerved kitty as he tried to free the cat himself, instead of doing the responsible and mature thing by calling animal control. MINUS ANOTHER TEN POINTS. And thus ensued The Great Cat Debacle wherein my relatives were forced to seriously consider the possibility that they might actually face a lawsuit from the genius of a bystander who didn't have health insurance to cover his kitty wound.

The lesson I learned from this? When trapping cats, especially those of the talking and hat-wearing variety, one must be constantly on the lookout for bystanders. Oh, and PETA.

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