October 13, 2010

Things I Wish I Could Share with My Child

Every parent has little gems of wisdom they would like to share with their children. But being that we're dealing with a little man who is more interested in playing with the potty than learning to use it, most of those life lessons will have to wait for The Talk.

In the meantime, I thought I would share a few of the gems I've saved up to share with my child. That is, if he weren't so busy trying to chew through the toilet.

1. Your crib is not a prison. You should not attempt a jailbreak by gnawing your way through the bars.

2. Contrary to popular belief, the remote control is not your toy. It is Daddy's.

3. Your backstage pass to the boobies is a privilege, not a God-given right.

4. Playing Godzilla on the floor lamp is not an acceptable way of expressing your frustration at not being allowed to chew on the sofa.

5. Displaying your manly abilities of standing up by yourself is an excellent way to woo the lady babies.

6. Refusing to nap for longer than an hour is not a wise revenge strategy for the countless hours you were forced to listen to the Backstreet Boys while in the womb.

7. The glowing box is a television, not a place to practice your high-five skills.

8. Because you wear diapers, social etiquette states that it is appropriate to poop while in public. Please enjoy this while it lasts.

9. The potty is for pooping. Not eating, drumming, or swimming.

10. Bathing is not a punishment. Unless, of course, you are the rubber ducky.

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