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September 9, 2010

Top 5 Including Wendy's, Target, and Breathing

Those of you who know how much I love sleep will appreciate this post. Those of you who are just tuning in can probably guess that sleep is up there on my Top 5 list of favorite activities. Right next to stuffing my face full of Wendy's hamburgers and breathing.

For the college graduate who majored in sleep, yet shockingly didn't sleep through any final exams, having a child that wakes up at the ungodly hour of 5am is nothing short of a sinister plot to make me lose my mind and become an unshaven bum on the side of the road. Before Nathaniel was born, I didn't even know that 5am existed, much less that it was a time I would regularly be called into work to whip out a boob and feed a small tyrant.

Someday when I finally die from severe sleep deprivation caused in no small part by you, Internet, and the 2 foot 2 inch ruler of our domain, heaven is going to be a place where I can sleep. I will have a king-sized bed all to myself where I can doze uninterrupted by the I AM BEING MURDERED AND YOU DON'T LOVE ME screams from the next room. And then I will awake fully rested and ready to play my harp for the next poor sucker who kicked the bucket purely from exhaustion.

Now, I know that there are people who are a whole lot worse off than I am. There are mothers of eight-month-old children who consider themselves fortunate when their babies sleep for a full three hours. I get it.

But on the great and all-knowing Internet, I read about children who sleep for 12 HOURS AT A TIME. 12. As in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. And now I sound like Sesame Street. See? This is what the lack of sleep does to me. It also does other things that should make you glad that you are sitting in the comfort of your own home or office instead of next to me at the kitchen table. Because when I'm this tired, I tend to cut corners on certain things that would be considered part of a normal person's routine. Such as bathing. Or changing my clothes.

Also, the fact that I'm sitting here in a tank top and underwear would make it a little awkward, you know, especially if we haven't met before.

As a new mother, I've been given a lot of unsolicited advice about sleep. Sleeping when the baby sleeps? What a load of useless crap. Clearly anyone who believes that you can consistently sleep when your baby sleeps has never met my child, the Tasmanian Diaper Devil, who wreaks a path of dirty diapers and destruction through our entire house until the blessed hour of 11 o'clock when he finally graces the crib with his presence for a nap. That's usually the point in the day where I collapse into a chair with the first of an unmentionable number of daily sodas and pretend that the cleaning fairy will pick up the toys for me. In my daydream, she will also wipe my son's bottom next time he poops.

Poop sidenote: I was recently changing a horrendously poopy diaper while the hubs was downstairs on a phone call with a very important client. As most of our diaper changes go, Nathaniel was flailing all four limbs and stiffening his body like a board in a heroic attempt to escape the God-forsaken changing table where he is supposed to LIE STILL so I can change his diaper without getting poop on my hands. Oh, the injustice! As we were in the midst of the diaper-changing mess, I was narrating the process for the baby, which was not unusual in the least. According to the hubs however, my narration was a bit closer to the decibel of an exploding bomb than a sweet whisper, so he could clearly hear my exclamations about our son's poop as he was sitting downstairs. So could the client. At least they all knew I successfully got the poop off of my hands.

Back to our creepy, winged intruder who still hasn't taken care of the mess. As much as I would like to hit the snooze button during nap time, there is simply too much to do. There's always diapers and toys that need to picked up, lunch to be made, updates on our life to compose for you, dear Internet, and then there's The Kitchen Counter 'O Crap that serves as a to-do list that I do my damnedest to ignore. This is why I do not sleep.

This morning as I sat and watched my child pull our DVDs out of their boxes and play with his books in the living room, I saw someone who was fully rested and ready to test mama's boundaries to see if that floor lamp was still off-limits. As it stands, he has already made two energetic runs at the lamp today; both times, although tempted to allow the baby to use the lamp as javelin practice, I dragged my tired butt off of the chair and over to the babe. To save the lamp. Although if I allow him to tip it over a few more times, I'm sure he could break this one too. And then we would have to go to Target to replace it. Which is also on my list of favorite activities.


  1. As a SAHM momma of a beautiful 7 mo old baby boy who JUST slept from 10pm-5am last night, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I know how you feel..sleep deprivation sucks!!! He was up every two hours at night until he was like 4 months old. Whew.. Oh, and Target is definitely in my top five also...along with sleep. :-)

  2. Sophia is one of those 12 hour babies. She sleeps about 10-12 hours, but she lacks in naps! It is so hard to get her to nap. In fact, she is in her crib right now singing! But, I will take a full nights sleep and sacrifice nap time if I have to. I will be praying for you guys in this area!

  3. Girl, I'm right there with you!! Everyone wonders why we are trying so soon for #2, if I started sleeping decently, I don't know if I'd ever do it again! ; p