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May 19, 2010

If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say

As a child, I distinctly remember my mother telling me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, that I shouldn't say anything at all. Twenty-odd years later, I don't always abide by this rule of thumb (some of you may remember a few rants about dangerous baby products that made my blood pressure raise more than a little), but I do my very best not to post things about people I know in real life which would be hurtful or damaging to them if they found my blog. I have several blogging standards I have set for myself and, despite this situation, I intend to keep them. But I NEED to write this. Because this NEEDS to be said.

Because I will not stoop to the level of the person who made such cutting remarks about myself and my family, I am going to give this person a different name for the purposes of this blog. Let's call this person Charlie.

I am choosing the name Charlie because I don't actually know anyone named Charlie. And because I quite like the name. Especially because it can be very ambiguous and work for either a girl or a boy.

A few of you may remember that I have a freakish talent for finding information and people on the internet. I've found celebrities' contact information and I was able to track down a former foster child when a family member wanted to reunite with her. Interwebs, QUAKE IN FEAR.

I was on Charlie's Facebook page tonight when I noticed that Charlie likes blogging. So I set about searching for Charlie's blog. It took some doing, but I finally found it.

And I wish I hadn't.

Quite frankly, I was shocked. It didn't come as a surprise that Charlie didn't like me, but the insults that Charlie heaped upon myself and my family were things I wouldn't ever say to anyone. And y'all know that I have no filter.

How do you defend yourself when someone writes half-truths? Or when someone heaps insults on your head without knowing the entire story? I'm all for turning the other cheek, but at what point do you become a doormat for someone to walk over?

SHAKING. That's what I'm doing right now and something which only occurs when I am extremely upset. The last time I was this angry was years ago when my apartment tried to wrongfully evict me. I'll let y'all in on a little secret- I didn't get evicted. NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

As of this moment, I'm not sure what I am going to do with the information I found tonight. Ignoring it might just be the best course of action, but letting it fester will only make future encounters with Charlie that much worse. I could broach the topic with Charlie, but I can only imagine how that would go down, now knowing how Charlie truly feels about myself.

To forgive?

I know it's the right thing to do. There is no question in my mind that this is what I NEED to do. I know that it is what God wants me to do. But my nature desperately wants to stir up some trouble for Charlie first. And it would only take an email.

ONE email. To ONE person. And this would all blow up in Charlie's face.

The reason I am telling you all this? Because I am resolving not to send that email and I need some accountability. I don't know what I'm going to do, but that isn't the right way to respond, no matter how hurt or angry I am.

Charlie, I know that you never intended for any of us to read what you wrote. But you wrote it on a public blog and I found it. Calling me the Devil, writing half-truths about my husband and myself, and insulting our morals was extremely hurtful. But I'm not going to escalate the situation. I'm going to try my very hardest to do the right thing. And I honestly hope that someday we can have a civil conversation once again.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to have a good cry.