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November 5, 2009

Not Ready...

Tonight I hit that point where I stepped back and said to myself, "I am not ready to be a mother." That probably comes as a surprise to those of you who know how eager I am to give birth to this little boy and meet him face-to-face, but in the midst of my emotional stupor tonight, I truly feel unprepared.

It scares me to think how this little life will change the relationship that Jonathan and I share. We are still newlyweds and are adjusting to life as a married couple. Will we be able to devote the time and energy to our new marriage that it requires after our baby arrives? Beyond the marriage itself, how will we interact with each other when we are both running on three hours of sleep and can hardly think straight?

I am also unnerved by the thought of how my own life will change so drastically. Currently, I have a very "selfish" schedule where I can sleep, get up, go to the gym, and work on projects at my leisure. Will I even have time to shower when the baby arrives? How will I learn to adjust to this?

Despite all of my free time, I have become a bit lax with some of the household chores because I am increasingly tired. If I am this tired now, how will I manage once our little boy arrives? My fear is that nothing will get done unless Jonathan does it and I feel that tossing all of the housework onto his shoulders is an unfair burden.

Tonight I am unsure of myself and I do not feel prepared for motherhood. I know that some of you are probably thinking "well, you should've thought of that eight months ago..." but this really does not come from a place of not wanting my child. I want my little boy more than anything else in the world and I love him with all of my heart. The thought of stepping into this new role in my life is more than a little daunting to me, and although I am counting the days until my son's arrival, I am admitting to one and all that I do fear the unknown.

1 comment:

  1. It is scary, but it is so worth it!! No, you won't be able to sleep, but yes, you will have time to shower!! You are going to be an amazing mother and you and Jonathan are going to be great parents. Your thoughts and feelings are normal. Just trust in God!